I am so burned out from yesterday. That really pushed me over the edge. I feel like I have some sort of hangover from that. Pain and frustration hangover. These are the times you really realize pain is a sickness. A disease all its own. And oh boy, have I had enough of it. This will be another wasted day. Hopefully some recovery happens and sets up a better day tomorrow, but who the hell knows. I don’t have any actual hope beyond just saying “hopefully”.
I’m restarting the guaifenesin today. It’s been 10 days off. The recommendation was to take 1 week off to let it clear out, then another week to let your symptoms return to normal, log them in a journal. I’m all set with the journaling. I only need the time to clear out. I’m terrified this won’t work, or that it will make things worse like it started doing a while back. The last 6 weeks have been pure hell. I’ve had maybe 2 decent days in a row in that period. This has burned me out beyond belief. Drained me of everything I had. I did have maybe 3 decent weeks leading up to that though, so that’s what I’m hoping for now. I ended up taking the wrong type of medication and I took more than I should have, so it’s my fault. I’m following the protocol to the letter this time, but the sting it left me with last time will not soon be forgotten. I’m terrified of getting into that same loop again. This is kind of my last ditch effort, so it needs to have every chance to succeed. At this point, I’m close to being out of time, so I need to either get better, recover, get back to life, or I need to move into a van or RV and cut my expenses as much as possible and make whatever money I have left last me as long as I can. I’m at that decision point. Unfortunately, I’ve been off the deep end for so long at this point, I’m unable to see past the next 5 minutes, so my decision making ability probably isn’t the best.
When that terrible doctor sent me to a 10/10 pain level yesterday, I had a lot of tremors. That usually only happens from the worst pain. I’m still feeling it today. I’m not a 10 anymore, but I’m still feeling tremors. The sting from yesterday is going to stay with me for a while. I don’t feel at all better yet today. I don’t think I will today, but it will calm down eventually. I usually call these ‘aftershocks’, and today it really feels like shocks.
I forced myself to go for a walk. I was feeling panic, anxiety, and a weird adrenaline thing. I needed to get outside these 4 walls to remind me there’s a whole world that exists out there (not that I necessarily want anything to do with it these days). I felt like a teenager waking up at 6am on a Saturday. Like a bear coming out of hibernation. Getting that fresh air was nice. Nice and cool outside too. This weather treats me well. I don’t feel any better for it physically, but it helped a little bit mentally. Usually these short walks in the neighborhood are for anxiety and panic anyway. I don’t have the ability to walk for exercise. Now that I’m home, the pain comes back. I really can’t go more than 3 minutes without an ice pack anymore. I don’t know what I’ll do if I end up living in a van. I can’t have a constant supply of ice packs out of a tiny fridge.