Yesterday was my first decent day in seemingly weeks. I was way over my limit for pain for way too long. That really takes its toll. When the decent days finally come back, it takes several days just to recover, decompress, start moving again and feeling somewhat human. I didn’t do much yesterday. I didn’t even think of turning on my PC to play games. I mostly spent the day enjoying the fact that I wasn’t at a 10. That’s about it. I even stayed up late to enjoy all of it I could, because I know it won’t last. I never know what I’m going to get when I wake up the next morning. My body and brain sometimes completely reset overnight. I can go to sleep after the best day all year, and wake up feeling the worst horror all year. I got some enjoyment yesterday from simply not feeling horror. I need so many more of those days though. Having only one decent day is just a tease.
These are the days where I end up being complacent. I sometimes think I’m getting better, or I just ride out the decent days while I have them. Trying to recover and heal my brain a little bit before I head into the next flare. 2 years has passed with me doing this. There was a purpose to it before. I was waiting for healthcare to play out. It could have gone a lot faster if my healthcare didn’t come from Temu, but I feel the result would have been the same. I need to discern the difference between optimism and foolishness. Hope and delusions. My time in this apartment is severely limited. If I leave soon, I can afford to move into a van. If I wait too long, I won’t be able to afford anything, and I will become homeless. Neither prospect is good. I’d prefer the van, obviously. I can’t imagine being fully homeless and having all these issues at the same time. I can find some comfort in a camper van. Some privacy. And I can go wherever I want, assuming I can afford the fuel. But the sooner I set these things in motion, the more money I’ll have when I inevitably become at least partially homeless. Thinking things will get better is delusional at this point and only wastes time and money.
That said, this is my last attempt. As delusional as it might be, I need to stick it out just a bit longer to let this medication trial play out. I had limited success with it in the past, but I didn’t follow the protocol properly. Maybe if I do it correctly this time, it will work. Hopeium, maybe. It’s a hail mary-longshot-miracle-cure, but it’s all I have. I don’t want to go into the van. I don’t know how I would get it built up. I don’t have the physical or mental ability. I did it before several years ago though, so I have to assume I can get through it again. Somehow. More hopeium maybe. I’m addicted to hopeium, copeium, and my delusions of normalcy.
Spine pain is pretty bad today. I’m glad to have a big reduction in the fibro though. When that happens though, I feel the spine pain much more. There isn’t a wide, general pain in my whole body to take my focus. My focus then turns to the blistering spine pain. I’ll take that over the fibro though. I’ve been using ice packs all day. I’ve been trying to ween myself off of these things, but I haven’t been able to. The pain drives me nuts. I can get used to only spine pain. I’ll take it over fibro. Spine pain can be treated. Fibro cannot. Although with me, nothing seems to be treatable.