Better in the evening yesterday, worse in the morning today. No clue why. It’s been a very difficult stretch of about 4 days already since I had some decent days. There goes all my conditioning and hard work out the window. Typical. Happens every time.
I kind of decided I’m not going to try to be at all aggressive with walking or the exercise bike until I get the medical treatments I need. I can’t keep going through this cycle of starting up again, fighting the inertia to get moving, make some gains, then lose everything because the fibromyalgia hits hard for a few days and fucks everything. I just can’t deal with it anymore. I don’t have the mental energy. The negative reinforcement is way too strong. I know I will only get punished for it.
When I get some pain relief, then I’ll get back out there and bury myself with a purpose. This suffering for no purpose is just too much for me to deal with. I can use whatever mental energy I gain on good days for other purposes. Whenever I put out a big effort, then fail, I go negative on the mental energy and it takes weeks or months to get back to baseline. I just can’t afford it right now. I’ll walk if I’m bored or need to control anxiety. Also, even with low fibromyalgia levels, every single step feels like I have broken glass in my spine grinding away at my nerves and soft tissues and it’s fucking torture. Even on good days, there’s only so much I can take until my spinal cord feels like ground meat.