I had some dark moments last night. At first I felt like I snapped out of psychosis. It was like I was talking to different version of myself and I was saying, “Nothing has changed. You have been doing the exact same thing. You are in a psychotic, dissociative loop.” The darkness is continuing this morning. I woke up this morning with one thought: I don’t want to do this anymore. I am so sick of this fucking loop. I don’t want the pain anymore, I don’t want the snake-oil cures anymore. I don’t want to spend money on any of this nonsense anymore. I don’t want to write about it or talk about it anymore. I don’t want any of it anymore.
This fucking disease is never ending and indiscriminate. It doesn’t give a fuck what I eat. It doesn’t care about what supplements I take. It doesn’t care about prescription medications. In fact, the more I treat it, the stronger it gets. It’s like an anti-biotic resistant strain of bacteria. The more you attempt to treat it, the stronger it gets. I probably would have been better off doing nothing to treat it. This fucking disease feeds off of my misery. My suffering is its fuel. The more I suffer, the more miserable I am, the more the disease grows. The only way to starve it is to be healthy and happy, but that’s just impossible. There is no way for me to get healthy. Not with this disease following me every step of the way.
I stopped the Lyrica yesterday, and the fibromyalgia just ramped right back up. It feels worse in relation. I think the Lyrica doesn’t “cure” the fibro flares, it just holds them off while you’re taking the meds. The flares stock pile in the meantime, and when you stop the Lyrica, the flood gates open and all the flare ups hit you at the same time. When I took Lyrica in December, it was quite effective…for 1 week. I kept taking it for another week. Then I went 2 full months without having a single decent day. It was the most oppressive period I’ve had. It was 2 months to the day when I got my first decent day. Taking Lyrica today sells out your tomorrow it seems.
I don’t know how to get through these days. I have tried everything I possibly could to limit or reduce the fibromyalgia flares. Everything under the sun, including all the snake-oil cures. Absolutely nothing helps. Nothing can stop this disease from destroying my mind, body, and soul. It has taken everything from me. Everything. I have no fuel in my tank, and I have no more plans on how to get through. I have no clue how to get through these difficult days. Days where the pain is so bad it drops me to my knees, then to my back. Where all I can do is hang on to the bed for dear life and hope it somehow gets better. There is no way to nudge it along. All I can do is wait and hope I get lucky and catch a break.