Last night was absolutely terrible sleep. The pain was so bad that I couldn’t stay asleep for more than a few minutes. I really don’t know how I made it through last night. I sort of curled into a ball and counted the seconds until it was over. Constant focus and pure survival mode. This morning I saw that I stubbed my big toe really badly. The nail is broken and there is blood under it. I have absolutely no memory of this happening. I don’t know if it happened yesterday or the day before, or last night or what. How could I not remember?
I tried playing a few minutes of video games today. It hurt so fucking bad. That nerve pain I get instantly makes me feel insane. Sitting in a chair makes me feel insane. Think about that one for a second. I desperately need to add something to my mental energy tank. The more I go through nights like last night without having any time to refill my tank, the more I burn through whatever sanity is left. At first I felt mentally starved, but now I feel mentally emaciated. What happens to a person who doesn’t eat for a long time? They starve to death. That’s what it feels like is happening to me mentally. It’s very dangerous. No wonder I keep going insane. This pain is so bad and so sustained that it breaks my mind, over and over. I wish I could get some positive news about Social Security Disability to give me just the tiniest bit of hope.
I probably feel 5 times better today than yesterday, and I just spent 3 hours curled up in a ball on the floor with a blanket and pillow. I’m still only able to count the seconds as they go by, hoping something happens magically that makes me feel better. I think I’m going to pass out before too long. I welcome it at this point. I need that brain reset that passing out provides.
I didn’t pass out, but it was very close. I was curled in that ball and couldn’t even open my eyes. Just breathing and getting through each and every second. I snapped out of it at around 7:00. I started feeling a bit better as the evening went on. Sitting here now feeling super burned out, and a shit ton of spine pain.