I had the realization last night that I was going in and out of lucidity all day yesterday. I had a couple moments where I listened to music, and actually felt it. At night I realized I got some new music a few weeks ago. I forgot the band names. I had to find it and then I listened to it and it was great. I noticed the wallpapers on my PC. They are an art style I really love, and I haven’t even noticed they were there for a very long time. I even put on my favorite film for a little bit. I forgot that film existed. I didn’t watch that much of it. I want to save that for the right time. It was when I put the film on that I realized I was lucid.
That brings me to a much larger issues. I haven’t felt lucid in a very, very long time. I’ve written about psychosis before. It’s something I have to deal with. When the pain and fibromyalgia get so bad, it tends to break the mind. You don’t really realize you’re in a state of psychosis until you’re no longer in it an you look backwards. Yesterday I had that chance to look backwards, and the scary thing is, I can’t remember the last time I’ve actually been lucid. Maybe before Christmas time is my best guess. I have a new measure for “good” days. I have to actually be lucid to call the day “good”. Otherwise it’s just a “decent” day.
Even on the days I’ve called good over the last couple months, and those days are very rare, I haven’t been lucid like yesterday. I keep having these delusions that I can somehow get better, or on those decent days, I think I am better. I think I’m normal. I think things are going to be OK. Days like yesterday do a very good job of grounding me. I realize all those days where I had optimism, it was all bullshit. I was delusional. I was still crazy. Those are some of the most dangerous days. In the past, I have done things I end up regretting. I make major decisions or purchases because I think I’m able to do it, but the reality is that I’m still off the deep end, but I just think I’m OK. That’s how psychosis goes. You never understand it until you’re out of it and you look backwards at it.
And to finish this off, I am no longer lucid this morning. I realized it in the middle of the night. I’m close enough to it this morning to be able to write about it, but I also know it’s gone. I wanted to write about it first thing while I still had a grasp on it. I won’t remember any of those things I rediscovered yesterday. I won’t remember what being lucid feels like. I won’t remember that I was lucid yesterday, and that I’m not lucid today. I will just slip back into psychosis, and it’s way too easy to do so. It’s so fucking painful, but so easy also. It’s enough to make you cry when you realize you’re going to slip back into it. It will drag you kicking and screaming, but that will stop once you cross the line and your memory is wiped and you are firmly re-planted onto the wrong side of that line. It’s easier if you spend only a short time on the good side of that line. There isn’t any time to get used to feeling lucid, so there isn’t as much to miss. You also don’t get as much time to realize just how painful the insanity has been, and it is oh-so painful. I would do just about anything to avoid it, but I never can. I don’t want this insanity to come back. It is a whole type of pain that is extra and on top of what I already deal with. 3 levels of pain: Spine pain, fibromyalgia, and insanity. All with an exponential effect. The “Pyramid of Doom”.
Pain is back up to normal levels, which is to say very nearly horrifying this morning. Something about that procedure gave me a boost. Maybe it was the cortisone injections, maybe my body was in some sort of healing mode where it released some kind of growth hormones. I really don’t know, but I can feel that it has been turned off this morning. This procedure isn’t expected to work overnight. It takes a couple weeks to start working properly. And they only did half of my spine, so there’s more work to be done next month, so this isn’t the end yet. It very well could be the untreated half overpowering the part that was just treated. It’s super demoralizing, but it’s not the end. There of course is the possibility this procedure won’t work, and in my doctor’s words, then I’ll be “screwed”, but I’m not there yet. It’s going to be a long and super difficult slog until I get to that point.
So goodbye lucidity. It’s been so long since I’ve last seen you. You are my very best friend and I have missed you so. I hope I see you again very soon. I wish you didn’t have to leave, but I understand. I struggle so very hard without you, and I could use you very much right now. I wish you would stick around longer next time. I long for the day you never leave again. And now I am crying.
It’s 11:00 and I can tell I’m fully back on the bad side of things. The madness is back, and it feels….normal. The psychotic loop continues. I suppose this is what I expected yesterday to feel like. It’s almost worse to get those good days because then I realize how much I’ve lost. If I never have good days, I never see what I’ve lost. I’m glad I got some thoughts written down, but that’s all done. Back to the same insanity I normally write. The delusions are very strong now. I need to go to the store. I’m wondering if I should go now since I feel so crazy. I can ride the wave of insanity right through the shopping trip. I’m not sure I’m safe to drive though.
That would be a ‘no’ on the shopping trip. It’s not quite riding a wave of insanity as it is a feeling of needing to pass out. I feel more like I’ve been on the verge of passing out all day. Like that feeling when you lean back on your chair and almost tip over but catch yourself at the last minute. That, but all day, and with passing out instead of falling. And here I thought the other day was one of the longest days I’ve ever had. L O L. I’m so stupid. Of course it only gets worse. Hanging on for dear life today. My god.
I got some relief finally after the afternoon meds. I managed to eat some soup and rice. The soup has some ingredients that I’m avoiding, but I gotta get something in me. It certainly went down well, but I don’t know if it will cause more problems. Either way I finally feel like I’m able to breath. I felt like I was holding my breath all day, and I didn’t realize it until I was able to breathe again. A metaphor for the psychosis issues. Now I have side effects from the medications. These can be heavy sometimes, but I’ll take it so I can maybe get 2 hours of relief today. I’m ready to put this day behind me. Only like 7 hours left in the day. Arghhh. I’m about 1 hour into the afternoon medications, and I can feel them beginning to tip already. Today has been more difficult than the surgery day. At least that day had a very specific reason for the pain, and that pain was meant to lead to a gain at some point. Today’s pain is completely pointless. It has been horrifying all day. Maybe if I’m lucky, I’ll pass out from this pain.