I tried super hard to get some extra sleep, and thankfully I succeeded. It feels good to get some better sleep and recover. I feel a big load lifted just because of that. We have gone from a 10 to a 9, and it’s such a dramatic change. Right now I feel like my top half was cut away from my bottom half and was replaced back on top. It feels unstable and painful. This is a fairly normal pain feeling. Maybe now that I’m out of crisis mode, things can improve. I don’t know if there really will be improvement though until I get the other half of the RF ablation done. The second half is scheduled for 1 month from today. I’ll no doubt have to go through this same insane recovery again. All I can do is hope the pain reduces a little bit each day and I see some kind of systemic improvement and actual progress. I don’t see that right now. Not even a little.
I don’t feel any different today than I’ve felt over the last year and a half. Nothing has changed. The only day I felt something different was the day after the surgery, but that faded fast. I had those lucid moments peeking through on that day. That wasn’t normal. What I feel now is “normal”. I need to feel something other than my normal. Different would be good. Maybe it will ramp up to something different over the next week or two, but for now, it’s more of the same old shit.
I started tipping back the wrong way at about 1:30. I’ve been struggling to maintain since then. It’s still better than the last couple days though fortunately. I got some information from Social Security Disability. They sent me about 50 pages to fill out. I’ve already filled out all this information in my application. I believe this is meant to demoralize me. It’s working. I think they want me to give up and give in. It’s all super detailed and tedious. I’ve had to fill some of it out while laying down. Some of it sitting on the floor. It’s all been super uncomfortable and hasn’t helped my pain levels one bit. All of this time and effort so they can deny me anyway. All these hoops to jump through. All these barriers. I need help, but everyone makes it so difficult to get. There isn’t access to it, or if you get access, nobody wants to give the help. How is anyone supposed to get better? How am I supposed to survive when I struggle just to fill out paperwork?
I got the paperwork done and dropped it off at the Post Office. It has to be back in 6 days. That only gives me a 2 or 3 day window at best. I don’t know if I’ll be able to move tomorrow, so I took care of it now. It’s done. They got the better of me making me fill all that stuff out. 4 or 5 hours of detailed work. But I got it done. Now I don’t have to stress about it tomorrow.
I’m tired. I always feel exhausted. Every day is a huge effort just to survive it. The inability to sleep is always an insult added to the injury. One terrible night can destroy a whole week. I can cause a major fibromyalgia flare up. It increases the spine pain. It empties my mental energy tank. I’m just tired of fighting just to get through a day. I want a few days that are easy to get through.