I tried doing a church walk last night. I needed to get out of the house. Lots of anxiety. I had to turn around shortly after I started. I felt like I was going to collapse in the church parking lot. The pain was so overwhelming. I had to take a break for a minute before I turned around and hobbled home. I felt myself tip yesterday afternoon. I managed to cruise through the evening without major issues, but the deal was already done. The panic and psychosis really got into my head last night because of all this. I had a sort of episode from the psychosis that I won’t write about, but I’ll say it was very difficult to get through.
I was afraid to go to sleep for a couple reasons. I stayed up until just after 2am. I was up for over an hour at 6, but I got some extra sleep after that. Each time I woke up throughout the night, I could feel the pain and the horror. Each time I could feel it getting worse and worse as well. I was saying as I went to sleep last night that I won’t be able to handle a bad day today. I knew last night I wouldn’t be able to deal with it, and here we are. My worst nightmare came true. I don’t know what to do about today. I thought the last few days were difficult, but this one feels special in its own way. The pain is off the charts. The fibromyalgia is as unforgiving as it gets. I just don’t know what to do. Not only in general to treat this disease, but how to get through the next few hours. It feels like I have a burning knife jammed into my spine. It feels almost the same as when they burned the nerve in the RF ablation procedure. That intense surgical kind of pain.
I’ve been eating some of the foods that were on my avoid list. I have to start introducing things back in. I can’t maintain any kind of fresh food diet. It’s just impossible for me. The diet change experiment has been an overwhelming failure. I don’t feel any better for it. I’ve been terrified over the chance that what I’ve been eating has been causing fibromyalgia flare ups. That I’ve been doing it to myself, but there just isn’t any evidence of it, so I need to bring things back into my diet. I’ve already done it a few times without any problems whatsoever. I’ll add it to my list of potential tools, and to the overall thinking and approach to treating fibromyalgia, but until I see actual results, I can’t continue on like this. Opening my diet will help me tremendously. I might be able to eat more than 1 meal a day.