Bit of a recovery yesterday evening, and that has rolled into today. I woke up a million times through the night, but weirdly, I could feel the fibro flare had eased up. The previous night I could feel it ramping up through the night when I woke up. I really wish I knew what caused this, and how to make it stop. I would do anything to make it stop. I would do anything just to make it less frequent. How do I go to bed feeling OK, but wake up in the middle of the night feeling crappy? What is causing this disease to ramp up in the middle of the night? Not having a reason drives me nuts, and there is no reason. It is insanity.
I need some sort of miracle to put an end to this disease. I’ve tried everything I could. I’ve make huge efforts to push through. I’ve changed so many things. And every time, I’ve failed. I can’t manufacture a change or a fix. Only miracles are left, and I don’t believe in divine intervention, so I need to reach deep down inside myself and find a miracle somewhere. I certainly don’t know how or where to find it.
I did a couple church walks today. They are really painful and difficult, but I feel like I need to get some movement in. I’ve shied away from it for a while now because of the negative reinforcement I receive on a constant basis. Every time I work hard, I get shit on and end up suffering a ton of extra pain. I don’t have any extra room for that extra pain. I need to somehow figure out how to get in some movement any which way. I’ve been mainly paralyzed from pain, so I don’t know how this works.