Holy fuck do I feel crazy right now. Sleep was OK. I caught up. Yesterday was just such a fucking nightmare. Such a big effort with no answers and no help. Pain was really bad. I was way over my limit. Lyrica didn’t help that yesterday. I feel better today, but super burnt, hangover feeling from all that pain and effort. It takes all my effort just to survive the day. This is so fucked up. I can’t live this way. I can’t focus on healing or recovering when I can only focus on getting through the next couple minutes. My god, somebody please fucking help me. And now I don’t have any confidence that L2-4 is the problem that needs to be fixed. Now I have no clue what the problem is. Hopefully the injections will get me back on track with confidence. I still won’t be on track for any kind of actual treatment. That’s still a year away. I just can’t do this anymore. I can’t live in this psychotic loop anymore. It is destroying me. I have no energy, no ability to deal with it. It is so toxic and painful. Fucking help, please. 5.5g at 10:15. If this does nothing, I’ll take more in about 45 minutes. I just can’t today. I always want to try to stay on track, but days like this, I also feel the need to just control the pain properly and get through the day. Doing laundry. This hurts. I turned on my PC mostly because I want to feel some sort of normalcy and this fools me into thinking that a little bit. Whatever fueled me for doing laundry burned out at 2:00. Been comatosed on the couch until 4:15. I only got up to take kratom at 3:25 – 6.5g. I think I’ve been under managed on pain meds. I do feel some side effects from the Lyrica. I’m sure taking something like 300/day would take some getting used to. This is 100/day. Took evening meds at 6:30. I feel like I’m in the middle of a fibro flare, and the kratom isn’t working, and heavy side effects from the increase in Lyrica. All around a really fucked up feeling. It was really cute how I turned my computer on today as if I would use it. Love that for me. I have been a zombie all day. Super paralyzed. I didn’t eat much today. Just got up for an ice pack and I’m holding my breath when I breath. I was laying on the couch freezing and unable to do anything about it. I only got up for ice pack and turned the heat on and close blinds and turn on lights – at 8:00. Definitely fully in a flare up, and zombified from the meds. Truly a lovely feeling that I could go with never experiencing again. But tomorrow is another chance at it. No clue what I’m doing today. Don’t remember much and don’t know what I’m doing when I do it. Not in control.