My spine was on fire so badly last night that I was ready to reach in and rip my whole spine out. I put on some magnesium oil, and it worked pretty well, thankfully. I haven’t been using it much anymore lately. I’ve found it works better reactively more than proactively. The less I use it, the better it works, and it’s also difficult to use when I constantly have ice packs on my back. I did get some sleep last night thankfully. I’m not at all refreshed, but I feel a lot better than the last 2 days. I’m so tired, just like always. I woke up first at 12:30, then it was constant wake ups, but I ended up getting a decent amount of sleep. The last hour felt like only a couple minutes had passed, and that’s great. That’s the sleep I love to get, where the night flies by. At best I only get 2 or 3 hours of that kind of sleep, but I’ll take anything I can get.
I don’t feel ready to fight this today. I have to fight super hard every single day, and I’m just so tired. Time to run that marathon. Right after the marathon I just ran in bed trying to sleep. Right after yesterday’s 12 marathons I was forced to run. If I don’t constantly fight this every second of every day, it completely takes me over and crushes me. I’m tired of being crushed, but I’m also tired of running from it. I need this to end so badly. I need help putting an end to this. I want to wake up one day and no feel like I’ve just run 12 marathons, and that I have 12 more to go today. I just want to breathe and take comfort that I don’t have to fight for a few moments. I know life is constant fighting, but that kind of fighting gets you somewhere. I’m fighting just to get out of bed. Just to keep my body functioning. Just to push through every second of every day and get to bed time so I can knock myself out and try to sleep. There is no progress in life through that. It’s suffering for nothing. No gain to the pain.
Got a few minutes on my exercise bike this morning. My god that was hard. I felt like I was going to pass out and fall off. It’s so hard to stay upright on it. I need to put some handles on the wall or something so I can hang on. Leaning toward the handlebars is really painful. It is so hot and humid though. The end of September and it will be 80F today, and super humid. Fort Bragg has a high of 61F today with no humidity, and you still get sunny skies. And the ocean. And everything else is normal. Here in WonderBreadLand™, you get insane levels of litter, people who don’t know how to recycle, flat, boring landscapes totally devoid of any kind of features, zero ethnic diversity, zero ethic food, big box stores and restaurants, and weather worse than Hades itself. I’ll feel better once the weather hits 60F and the humidity finally drops below 90%.
Today is also 5 weeks post op from the last ablation procedure. I don’t feel any different or any better for it. My right leg still feels better, which I take as a sign that the nerve is growing back and recovering, which means whatever benefits the procedure provided are now gone. If it helped, it was for a month, although the first 2-1/2 weeks of that were pure recovering from the surgery itself, so really only half a month at best, although I didn’t feel that way. Maybe about 6 days is all the benefit I felt.
Going through my 5-6:00 dip right now. It hits most days at this time. I don’t really know why. I get super tired, anxiety can ramp up, pain can tip in the wrong direction. Nearly every day at this time. Sometimes I push through it, sometimes I end up on the couch with my eyes closed. Today it took my appetite and raised my anxiety. When the pain is super high, this is a common time when I pass out from the pain. It must be something with my circadian rhythm that I’ve never understood.
I am bored out of my fucking mind right now. This is a bad place to be in for me. I’m super bored, but there isn’t anything I can do. I can’t go out to see a movie, I can’t walk, I can’t go to dinner, I can’t go to the gym, I can’t visit friends and family, I can’t sit at my desk and play video games. I’m stuck here, and I can barely even move. These periods are really difficult to get through. I can’t do anything to distract me from the pain. All I can do is think about how much it hurts and how fucked I am. While I’m unable to even move. Brutal.