Another night of terrible sleep. I was up for about 3 hours. I just could not get back to sleep. I used some sleep medication finally and it only sort of helped. I feel like a zombie today. This has been happening more and more lately. Yesterday had pretty good sleep, and it set me up for a decent day. These lack of sleep days always set me up for a crappy day. It really sucks knowing at 4am that your whole day is going to suck.
On a positive note, we actually have autumn like weather today. Cool, overcast, and breezy this morning. It’s still forecast to hit the upper 70’s in a few days, but seeing that we’re already into autumn, I’m happy to have some autumn weather finally. This is the first day so far that feels like fall, but it’s still going to be in the 70’s and humid. I’m happy to have whatever break in the oppressive heat I can get. I’m from San Francisco, so I like the cool weather – especially in the summer where it rarely gets above 75F. I learned to love the fog. It wraps around me like a comfort blanket. All the noise of the city stops. I could hear the fog horn on the Golden Gate Bridge from my bed. It soothed me to sleep all the time. I slept with a down comforter all year. I never even owned a fan when I lived in SF. There is no humidity, no bugs to worry about. I didn’t have screens on my windows and didn’t need them. Nobody needs air conditioning. It only rains in the winter. There is no rain all summer long. I got starved for rain because of that, so I learned to absolutely love the rain. I always had good rain gear that I could wear and go out for walks in the rain. I would go to state parks in the winter when nobody was there and hike around in the rain while I was warm and dry. That is my happy place. Most people like warm, sunny weather. Not only do I not like that kind of weather, but it also works against my pain and fibromyalgia. It encourages back spasms and increased pain levels. One of my main anxiety/panic coping mechanisms is to change my setting by going outside and getting fresh air – the colder the better. When the cold air hits my face and when I breathe it in, it snaps me out of whatever I’m going through. It wakes me up and it grounds me.
I’ve also always been a big fan of autumn because that was time to go back to school when I was in college. My mother was super abusive, so I was very happy to not spend time at home. When I went back to school, I got away from her and some of her abuse. I got to be on my own, see my friends, eat better, better myself. Most people got “home sick”, but I got “school sick”. I only went home to work. So autumn is still ingrained in me to mean a happier time is coming, or at least worse times are leaving. I worked 2-3 jobs in the summers, so going back to school made things easier for me also. It was almost a vacation in some respects.
Kind of struggling today. Super tired. A severe lack of sleep is totally different from just being tired. I tried to get a nap on the futon, but failed. When I’m this tired, my body ups the adrenaline too much to counter the tiredness. It often takes a couple days for it to mellow back out.
I haven’t been able to do much of anything today because of how tired I’ve been. I’m still very bored like yesterday, but today I have no energy to do anything with. Yesterday I had the energy, but the pain levels and psych issues prevented me from doing anything. This is a different thing, but it still sucks ass.
Feeling really tired in the late evening. That’s a good thing. Sometimes it takes a while to get tired again. I’m happy to have it.