I went to bed last night hoping for this flare up to ease up. For the guaifenesin to start working properly. I was worried so much that I would have to move into a van. I kept thinking that if this gets better, if the flare is mild and goes away fast, it I have some decent days, then I keep going and keep holding out hope. Then this morning there is pure horror when I woke up. It’s so fucking bad. My eyes were tearing right when I woke up. Was I crying in my sleep? I am so fucked. The one time I absolutely need some kind of sign of improvement, and I get shit on my face. Unfortunately I think it’s time to go van shopping. This isn’t getting better. And if the protocol actually helps, it’s not going to help for quite some time. Time to wake up and realize the truth: That I am totally and completely fucked and there is nothing and nobody that will help me. I have to take my chances out on the road, in a van, where I can cut my expenses and increase the amount of time I have money-wise. And at least I’ll be able to go where I want. Go someplace nice when I have a decent day and see the ocean. At least that part will be better than where I am now. Fuck. I can’t change anything about myself, but I would at least be able to change where I am. One thing I can actually change.
The guaifenesin had me really spaced out this morning. I could feel that it had accumulated in me from the last week. I stopped taking it this morning. I can’t keep taking it and causing flares. I feel the spaciness calming down, but now I’m left with pure, horrifying fibro flare and fog. This is just so ridiculous. How can I build a van when I’m in this state? I’m paralyzed from pain. I only started moving at 2:30. No food all day. I guess I have to wait for those 3 or 4 day windows when I feel decent to do some building. Lay in bed for the other days. Although if I start exerting myself physically, I will flare myself up constantly. I’m really stuck between a rock and a hard place here. I don’t know how to get out of this. Not even how to escape into semi-homelessness. Maybe a cheap C Class RV and find a cheap RV park might be better. Certainly easier.
Oh boy, it’s getting really hard in the early evening. I feel like I’m having trouble breathing from all this pain. It feels like tons of weight crushing down on me. I’ve been paralyzed from the pain pretty badly today. I’ve been going through one ice pack after another without any breaks today. Once I started using them, I can’t stop. I need to keep crushing the spine pain as best as I can. When the fibro ramps up, the pain is everywhere. I know the spine pain is bad. Even worse with a flare up, so I need to treat it. I really need this day to be over. I’m like 5 hours away from that. Waaah. I’m almost crying thinking about how much pain I have ahead of me tonight. It’s going to be a rough one. I feel like I need a dozen beers to get through the night. Tomorrow will be proper rough all day long if I do something like that.