It’s always so amazing how I can feel good at night, then wake up feeling like hell. As the guaifenesin purges out, I feel a lot better just by the pain differential. The flare ups it causes are unbearable, then when it fades, I feel better. I don’t know if it’s another differential situation now or what. Some sort of hangover. I felt good yesterday, and it made me optimistic. That optimism has been my biggest problem over the last couple years. I keep thinking I’m going to get better, but I never do. All that optimism is just wasted energy.
I don’t know what to expect today. I’m going to try a few different things with the guaifenesin. For now it will be 1 day on, 1 day off. I feel like the flare ups start up after the 4th dose in a row, so I’ll try to avoid that. It seems to build up in my system and affects me too strongly, so I want to stop it before that happens. Instead of 2 per day, I can do 1 per day. 1 day on, 1 day off. 2/2, 2/3. I have short acting guaifenesin also, which will work, but wears off faster and not build up inside me as much, so that could be a good thing. I feel like I don’t have any time left though to test these things. I wish I found this 6 months ago. I need pretty much instant results from this right now since I’m so close to the point where I need to make big decisions. If I keep getting terrible flare ups from this protocol, then it will only make up my mind that I have to move into a van in order to save myself. I looked around this morning and saw how much work it would be just to move out of this apartment. I just can’t do all that work. That’s not even considering how much work it is to build the van. I don’t want to do it, and I don’t think I can. I need this miracle cure to lift me up out of this.
So what is the progression for me? Ultimately money. I need to buy time. I’d say the goal is to be able to work. Even if it’s not much income, I need to be able to work. I’ll have to start a job way before I’m truly ready just to stop the monetary bleeding. Maybe work from home to start. The way I get to that point is to have a lot of good days behind me. Lots of good days in a row, and lots of them stacked up in the rear view mirror. I have no road map to get there. Nobody does. That uncertainty kind of crushes my soul.
I really don’t know what today is. Last night was pretty nice. This morning was pretty hellish. It get better when I woke up a bit. Since then it’s been in an odd gray area. It feels like a mild flare up. It’s been 2 days since the last flare. Things seem to have been so much worse on this medication. When I first started it, it gave me about 3 decent weeks. I still had flare ups, but they were manageable. Then the terrible period started. I’ve never gotten out of that terrible period. I don’t know how to get back to the decent place. I never do. I think my brain reacts to different things for a short period of time, then the fibromyalgia always wins and comes back and takes over. I’ve done a whole bunch of different things over the last couple years that have had a temporary impact, but none of them have lasted more than a handful of days. I wish I could see positive signs, but I don’t. I’m still struggling just to get through my days. Almost every day. I don’t know what to do or how to get out of this.