I had that little boost this morning after waking up. I often feel better from the sleep, but it doesn’t last long when the fibro is around. Fibro ramped up very quickly after that. It seemed to peak at about 2:00. I couldn’t breathe properly. It was completely horrible. Very intense. I hit the floor futon and passed out from the pain by about 2:45. I was out for about 15 minutes. Normally I’m only out for a couple minutes and I come to again. Maybe since it was still a bit early in the day and because the flare up was only 24 hours old, it was a bit more forgiving.
I feel better for passing out. So far anyway. Usually it rings my bell for the rest of the day, and there’s a lot of day left. I feel calmer. The noise seems a tiny bit quieter. That fibro ‘noise’. It’s a sixth sense kind of a noise. Part of the fibro fog. It seems like it has gotten worse lately. I’m wondering if the RF ablation I had in August is finally fully worn off. It thought it only helped for about 6 weeks. Maybe it plateaued though down to a lower level of relief that I didn’t realize. Now it has dropped off completely. I feel like I used to when things were at their worst. I’ve been able to be a little more active. I haven’t been walking with my cane. I feel like that’s all slipping away and I’m going back into the dark times again. The next ablation is scheduled for late January and February. Split one side each month. It would be nice to have it right now, but it’s still not the solution I desperately need.
These flare ups make me feel so panicky. Knowing how bad they can be. Knowing what to expect. Knowing the next one is never more than a few days away. It leaves me in a constant state of panic. Always worried and scared about the next flare up. I fear they are going to get worse. I think the ablation has still been carrying me a little bit, and all the benefit is gone. I fear the flare ups are going to get worse. The panic will get worse. The psychosis will get worse. It can always get worse. How? Fuck me. I don’t know, but I’ll tell you when I get there. I am beyond fried. I am way over the edge and have been for a long time. I desperately need pain relief. I desperately need more than 2 decent days. I haven’t had many decent days in the last couple months.