I made it 63 days without kratom and things only got worse. Psychadelics helped a tiny bit, but I had no sustained success. The pain always came back within 2 days and destroyed me. Different drugs, prescription drugs, alcohol. It became reckless and dangerous. I never felt free of different medications. Boy, I sure do hate failing, and I hate going back on an addictive drug. But for the love of god, I need to stop this suffering. It is pure terror. Horror. I need a fucking break. I have cracked again.
My kratom package was in Chicago yesterday, and somehow made it to Indianapolis this morning. So I had to go to the store to buy some garbage. I took 3.5g of that at 9:30. I don’t know how I survived until 10am most of the time before. I might see if I can do like 3g 3 times a day or something. Keep the coverage going throughout the day without interruption. No big, heavy hits.
I started feeling it within like 15 minutes. Giving me a bit of anxiousness. I get that. Also this is a stimulant at lower doses. I wonder if it was too much. I was going to do 3, but got a bit desperate. Plus this is garbage stuff. I need the good green stuff that should have been here Wednesday. Last night I was remembering the side effects I’ll have to deal with. Falling asleep, then waking up 10 minutes later every night. Drinking a lot of water through the night and having a very dry mouth. Constipation. Mild withdrawls first thing in the morning. The fucking taste of the green sludge. Oh yeah, I remember setting the temperature in the winter to 68. I wonder how that’s going to work out in the summer. I did normally sleep until 8. I didn’t need naps or caffeine because I was generally well rested. Just try to limit the intake. Try to skip a day or something. It’s such a slippery slope.
After 40 minutes, I feel it in my head, but not so much pain relief in my back. I think I’ll leave it alone for now. I want to stay low. It took the edge off I guess. Not really ready to go for a long walk though.
Lunch went OK. I was able to help somebody with some things. It hurt. Just climbing the stairs worked some muscles that I haven’t used in a long time. No matter how much walking I do, it doesn’t mean I’m in any kind of good shape. Lots more parts to work out that I never do. It was good to help though. It was good to be out of the house doing something productive for a few hours. When I left, I was ready to come straight home and take kratom because of the pain. I decided not to. I used an ice pack, then went for a walk. 2 mediums today so far. This is the sort of healthy decision I need to be making. I even felt a bit of come down/withdrawl, but I pushed past it. My pain tolerance is so low right now. It’s a dangerous time to be taking kratom. I really need to do a mix of healthy pain management things and the pain meds. It’s such a slippery slope though, and the good intentions don’t last long. Let’s hope and work so they last longer than 1 day. I now realize the snap decision to take the afternoon kratom was anxiety. I’ve been feeling it since I got home. I can’t entertain myself. I can’t watch any TV shows. I’m trapped. This shit is so toxic. I think I can work on this. The heavy alcohol use will contribute to this and should fade over the next couple days. I’m playing games right now and I’ll maybe go for another walk if it’s not raining. The heavy pain is almost the same as anxiety. Actually panic attack. I feel flashbacks to that one trip where I had the insane panic attack. Oh yeah, remember, that barrier has been slightly open for a week now, plus the last week has been horrifying for pain, so chill with the panic. Don’t let it take over. It’s a bit of a natural response. Just distract yourself, walk, ice packs, get by.
