Woke up at 8. Had a really hard time getting to sleep last night. Felt like my last day off of kratom when I was begging to pass out. Sneaky depression was happening as well. Took 6g at 8:30. Felt bad enough this morning to warrant that dose. I haven’t had that pain relief feeling for a couple days now. I guess the tolerance break is over and we’re going back up now. Nothing I’ve ever done has helped for more than a few days. This was the longest stretch – maybe tied with the psychedelics at like 6 days. That’s as good as it gets for me. I’m sticking with the table. I keep getting good pops in my spine when I do it. Only in the pm though. Never in the morning. If I ever feel pain relief again from it, I’ll go back to a taper schedule. I think the table and the kratom work together. That, and it’s a new thing, so I get my 6 days out of it, then back to shitsville. Feeling generally crappy this morning. No drive/motivation to do anything. Just hoping for pain relief. Going to count down the time to the afternoon dose. 6.5 yesterday, so maybe 7 today. I didn’t feel much of anything from the morning dose. I wanted to re-dose. 12:50. I can’t concentrate on games. I’m squirming in my seat. I need drugs. Can I wait until ~2? I’m not so sure. I don’t know what to do otherwise. It’s a bit late to take 3 doses today. Just had a big pop on the table. Had a big one yesterday. Almost unexpectedly big. It feels low. Like even fused area low. Maybe it’s 3-4, which is the one we already treated. Looking for 7.5 this pm. Feeling very desperate. Yep. 7.5 at 2:15. The taper is officially dead. The relief from the table is officially over. Lovely. Back to crisis mode and trying to work in tolerance break nightmare days off. I had a glimpse of normalcy for a minute there. Teasing me. It’s awful to get teased like that. So fucking cruel. Dad’s 20th anniversary today. He invited me to dinner. I kind of had to go. It was hell. So much fucking pain. I didn’t have an appetite for the pain, but once I started eating I felt a bit better. I’m fucked right now. Pure crisis mode.