Oh how the night changes everything. 5g at 9:00. Had central apnea a tiny bit last night. Put the CPAP on and it helped a bit. Sleep was overall better. Woke up just before 8 and got up. Fuck it. Last night I wanted to stop the kratom again. Figured only 4 days on it might be easier to quit than 2 weeks on. I came up with a metric: If I can wake up and be vertical, then I can take the day off. During a quit, I am horizontal and completely useless all day long. Pain is bad. I am so burnt from pain right now. If I am able to be upright, shower, eat, etc, then I can take the day off. If I’m horizontal, then I take the kratom. I realized this morning, there is no end game for me. Quitting sounds great, and is a good thing, but I don’t have any long term management tools. Nothing. Ketamine? LOL. This doesn’t end until I get actual pain relief. Probably a surgical fix. Good luck making that happen. In fact, I’m ready to increase the dose today! Oh how it all changes overnight. Well, the dose was good. Gentle. But I can already tell it’s going to fade fast. Pain is super bad today. Really sharp and deep. Still horizontal. Not a good day. 3.5g at 11:30. Pain is super high. Really bad. I wish I took more. Struggling to 3:30. Just turned on PC. Boy how I would love to game. It’s been a couple weeks since I’ve done any kind of decent session. Can’t concentrate on TAB at all. 6g at 3:30. Tomorrow will be 5.5/6.5, if not 6/7. This kratom is a touch weaker than the last batch. I have new stuff arriving tomorrow afternoon. Who knows how that will go. I think this other company has fresher stuff, and I keep thinking that has something to do with it. Not much relief at all. I didn’t want to take more than 6 because I triple dosed today. 4:40 and I’m losing it a bit already. Nearly passed out. Went to the floor. Oddly felt a bit better after that. Struggling again later though. I feel like I’m mixing lots of drugs or something. Like bad combo, messed up feeling. No caffeine today, no alcohol for 2 days. Just kratom. I’ve been in emergency mode for over a year now. We do things to get by for a few days while in crisis. It’s not meant to go this long though. I don’t know how to make it stop. Had a decently long table session, then wore the brace. It helped a bit. I’m going to make a point of putting more time in on the table.