Couldn’t fall asleep until about 12:30. Woke up at 8. Felt the need for a large dose. I took 7g though at 9:30. I thought I might re-dose. 10:20 now so I think my window is closed. Just not paying attention. I received a major dose of psychosis this morning. TV show triggered it. It’s strong. Right now I feel like I need to be thinking about these things. I need to not be avoiding them. Usually I try to forget about it. I feel better mentally for it. A week ago at night I had some strong psychosis. I felt the need to embrace it. That’s usually how it goes. ATM I don’t feel like I am crazy, I feel like it’s the right thing to do to meditate on it. I’m also feeling that I need to stop the drugs. But that only brings on more madness. Why would I want more madness? I must not be sane then. I never know until I feel better and look backwards. I know from experience, no matter how deep into it I get, it doesn’t help anything in the end. 11:15 and I’m feeling really fucked. Pain is bad, no help from table of course, the insanity has done its damage. Do I drug myself to sleep again? Skip pm dose and drink? I need some sort of chemical intervention. Maybe be smart and try the sleep first. Then deteriorate later. I have my PCP appt tomorrow, so I can’t fuck around. I need that parking placard. Did the drug to sleep thing. Slept for an hour. Text message came in because of course it did. I knew it would. Been in bed to about 3. I don’t think extra kratom would have helped me today. I’m just in some sort of state today that I can’t describe. Not nice. Unlike a few days ago, I do not feel better after the sleep. I maybe am paying for yesterday’s effort. I don’t know. I felt good at night yesterday. Finally managed a shower at 4. Ate some food after. I feel better for that, but of course I still feel totally wrecked. I didn’t re-dose. It will be super hard getting through this evening. Table actually felt OK. For a bit. Everything felt super sore, but the table relieved some pain. Still no pops.