Sleep was OK, but still woke up at 7:25. Felt like it was too late for Zanaflex. Felt like I had a knife in my spine when I got up. Took 7g at 8:00. Guess it’s a triple day. I managed a bit of a rebound last night. I might have been better today if I didn’t play games, but I can’t spend my life on my back. I need that for my sanity. And what kind of recovery is it if I can’t even sit upright? No idea what I’m going to get today. Need to keep up the table though. Keep up whatever good habits I can. Just having the realization that chronic pain is like being addicted to drugs. Always looking for the next decent moment when the pain is low. Never being able to see beyond today. My ‘scores’ are low pain days. I am anchored down by this pain, just like an addict by their drugs. Pain controls every part of my life, just like drugs for an addict. But unlike drug addiction, I didn’t do this to myself, and I can’t just quit and recover. Drug detox and rehab is super difficult, but it’s possible. I can’t ‘will away’ the pain. I can’t just quit it. I can’t just rehab/recover from it. So it’s worse than drug addiction. And it has ruined every part of my life. And soon I will be bankrupt and homeless too. And still in pain. 4g of red at noon. Trying to play games. It’s not going well, but I have some piss and vinegar in me right now. I’m so fucking pissed that I am forced to be ‘like’ a drug addict, and also basically a real drug addict on top of it. I need to get some sort of enjoyment out of my life at the very least. I feel like this is fucking me though and it will make things worse. Do I want shit in my mouth, or in my eyes? That’s as good as the choices get for me. 2:30 feeling pretty desperate already. The noon dose didn’t do anything. I guess it’s really only there to prevent withdrawals. I feel very sharp pain in my upper lumbar spine. Sharp, stabbing pain. PM dose has been helping. 5:30 and I’m upright. I don’t see good things coming. I only did the table once. Well, one other time after sitting at the desk and got a pop. Bang on time, here come the side effects of too much kratom. Been playing games. Fuck it. Spine is absolutely fucking killing me. Super sharp, stabbing pain. Really fucking bad. Just started looking up surgery in Mexico. Let’s face it – this will require a fusion surgery at some point. Might as well just take care of it. It would probably be like $20K though. Maybe someone could help with gofundme. I don’t know who the fuck would want to help me. But something has to fucking change. I am tired of going insane. Every second challenges my sanity. Every second is pure fucking pain.