*Trigger warning: Discussion of claustrophobia and feeling boxed in and trapped.
I just had a flash of thought about how long I haven’t been able to work. How long I’ve lived here vs. how little I’ve worked. All the money I’ve burned through, how I’m not contributing to my community, how I don’t get to experience any joy in my life. It started a panic attack cycle. I usually will go for a walk to avoid the panic, but I can’t do that today. The fibromyalgia flare up has me paralyzed from pain, so I have to lay here and take it. It is so very cruel. I can’t run from it, can’t fight it. I can only try to survive it. That’s the best I can hope for on days like this. It’s absurd and insane, and it’s so very painful. I’m trapped. I feel like I’m in a cage and can’t move. It makes me feel claustrophobic.
It’s very important to stay on top of physical therapy exercises and stretches, good diet, physical exercise, keeping up with friends and family, etc. In order to maintain that good diet, you have to get to the store often, and you have to prepare and cook food. To keep up with friends and family, you have to make a trip to someone’s home, or have them come to yours. To get exercise, you have to get outside and get some steps in. But you can’t do any of this when you have 10/10 pain. You can’t even move. Whenever I move when I’m at a 10, it feels like I have 2 chef’s knives jammed into my ass cheeks from the sit bones going upwards to the waste line. Every single movement feels like the knife edges are scraping against bone, soft tissue and nerves. It doesn’t take long until you cease all movement. I get dehydrated on days like this because I can’t get up to refill my water bottle.
Anxiety and depression are constant “companions” to chronic pain. Where pain goes, those mental illnesses follow. When you start having 10/10 pain, it’s so very easy for the anxiety to ramp up. If you don’t do something about it, it can easily turn into a panic attack. One of my tools for dealing with anxiety is to go for a walk – the longer the better. I can tire myself out a bit and exhaust that toxic, anxious energy. Plus it’s just nice to get outside and get some cool, fresh air and stretch the legs. Now add 10/10 pain levels into the mix. Pain that bad basically paralyzes you. If you do move, it surges the pain. If you lie perfectly still, that’s the only chance you have to get through it.
It starts to feel like an electrified fence closing in on you from all sides. All you want to do is get out of the cage you’re in, but the fencing is electrified. If you touch it, you get a painful zap. It only takes a couple touches before you stop trying. Now you’re trapped. The worse the pain is, the closer the fencing gets. It gets to the point where you constantly touch that electric fence inadvertently. You can’t avoid it anymore. Now you are totally trapped and can’t even move. Once the movement ceases, the fear builds. The fear this incites is the same as claustrophobia.
The one tool I have to deal with anxiety and panic is to exercise, but that tool is removed because I’m unable to move because of the intense pain. It is a very “between a rock and a hard place” situation. All I can do is curl up into a ball and close my eyes and wait for this pain to ease up just enough so I can move a little bit. I had 2 full months after Christmas where it didn’t ease up for even half a day. That sort of horror will break your mind. And when it happens over and over, it will break your mind again and again. It’s relentless.
The only thing that will turn off that electrified fence is pain relief. With Medicaid insurance, this is nearly impossible. The switch for the fence is on the other side from where I am and I can’t get to it. I need someone else to shut if off for me. I can’t fix this myself.