I’ve been in this terrible cycle where I desperately need sleep, but I keep waking up early. I’ve been in this loop before, and it’s always terrible. I burned a lot of mental energy over the last week trying to be more active and force some walks, and I’m paying dearly for it. Pain levels have been really high. Fibromyalgia flares have been up and down, but mostly up. I’m so exhausted. I’m so tired. This negative reinforcement is terrible. Do healthy things, get punished. Get exercise, get more pain, less sleep, more insanity. I am stuck in this loop and I cannot get out. When the psychosis creeps up, I feel like I’m trapped in psychic flypaper. I can’t break free. This dissociative loop is way too real.
9:45 and I’m already totally fucking losing it. Curled into a ball and hanging on as best as I can. Using all the energy I have just to make it through the next couple minutes, and if I do, we’ll worry about the next few minutes after that if or when they come. Today is that perfect storm of fibromyalgia and pain both at maximum levels.
Pain feels like it’s a bit better in the afternoon, but fibromyalgia is still super high. When the fibro is flaring, you sometimes can’t feel the localized pain anymore. You feel pain everywhere in your body. Your whole body is on fire, so spine pain stops being the primary concern. The inversion table didn’t feel painful like it did yesterday, so maybe that’s a sign the pain is dropping. The fibromyalgia follows the pain usually by a day or two. As long as I can actually get my pain level down a bit, the fibro will hopefully drop too. But who the hell knows. I really never know what I’m going to get day to day, hour to hour.
I had about a 2 hour period where I was finally able to shower and eat, but now I’m feeling like the fibro is flaring up more than before. How can this be? It’s starting to feel really horrifying. I hope that’s not what it is, but my god it feels terrible.
Yep, it’s been terrible. I’ve had my eyes closed counting the seconds until the day is over. I really don’t know how I’m getting through this evening. This is so insane. This is one of the worst nights in a while, which is saying a lot, because there have been a lot of ridiculous nights lately.